My lj tells me I haven't posted in six weeks. It seems weird to me that six weeks have passed without me noticing. Well I haven't told you all what my last post was about and I'm not sure I want to. You see I don't want pity or the stupid "oh that sucks" comments cause I've been getting enough of that from the teachers and if I do say something than thats all I'll get. No, nothing has happened to me personally and yes I'm perfectly healthy. I just don't know where to turn. No one understands. I have no one to talk to. And please don't come up to me pretending you're genuinely concerned about me when all you want to know is what the hell I'm talking about. I could care less about anyones curiosity.

That's what I'm lacking though is a friend that genuinely cares about me. I have no one! And I don't want to go through this alone. I shouldn't have to go through this alone. Everyday I wake up and pull on the mask that satisfies those around me that they don't have to care. But I want someone to tear that mask off me and scream me into reality and then tell me everything will work out and be ok.

But what if it's not. What if everything doesn't turn out to be sunshine and roses? Where will I go? Who can I turn to?

I guess it's really my fault for putting that mask on. Maybe if I break down someone will notice. They'll think I'm a crybaby searching for attention if I do though. Another girl who can't control her own emotions and suck it up. A whiny imitation of others because she has no originality. She's so dramatic and emo.

I think the mask will stay on for a bit longer. I'm not ready to face the judging hierarchy of high school idiocy quite yet.

Godfuckingdamnit you bitch! I'M STILL SCARED!

I Am Scared.

Top 16 Reasons Why Gay Marriage is Wrong

16. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

15. There are plenty of straight families looking to adopt, and every unwanted child already has a loving family. This is why foster care does not exist.

14. Conservatives know best how to create strong families. That is why it is not true that Texas and Mississippi have the highest teen birthrates, and Massachusetts, Vermont, and New Hampshire have the lowest. This is a myth spread by the liberal media.

13. Marriage is a religious institution, defined by churches. This is why atheists do not marry.

12. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why our society has no single parents.

11. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

10. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

9. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

8. Gay marriage should be decided by the people and their elected representatives, not the courts. The framers checked the courts, which represent mainstream public opinion, with legislatures created to protect the rights of minorities from the tyranny of the majority. Interference by courts in this matter is inappropriate, just as it has been every time the courts have tried to hold back legislatures pushing for civil rights.

7. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because "separate but equal" institutions are a good way to satisfy the demands of uppity minority groups.

5. Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

4. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

3. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

2. Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

1. METEORS and VOLCANOES.

I feel a thousand times better. I actully have a decent amount of self esteem now and I patched things up with Travis. Thank god! I really miss him when ever we're apart and I absolutly HATE having to leave him. It's always hard to drive away. He's amazing and I really under estimated him. Well except for he's a 10 year old boy at heart but im 6 and a half at heart so we're perfect together.

added later...

I really do love him and I'd give the world to be back in his arms right now. It's the one place I know I'll be safe and loved all at once. Plus warm... I'm freezing right now! I think it's about time for me to devulge some cute thigs he does. When he's sleeping if he moves and he's suddenly not touching me he spazzes and attacks me. <- all while still asleep. When he gets home from work he imeadiately comes and wakes me up to tell me that he missed me and that i need to get off his side of the bed and his pillow. <- whoops? >.> He tells me at least five times a day that im amazing and beautiful though I insist I'm not. He calls me randomly to tell me that he misses me. <- ahem 3 in the moring ahem. He attacks me if im dancing in front of him. (praticeing for dance performance coming up soon) I think thats enough for now...

<3 whit

I feel: useless, annoying, pain, doubt, confused, hopeless, insignificant, lonely, unimportant, forgotten, alone, ugly, scarred, overwhelmed, lost, annoyed, dizzy, stupid, disapointed, lazy, tired, and basicly depressed

I want to scream or ramble at someone.

I want to be able to express emotions when I'm feeling them.

I want to be able to open up to someone who isn't my family or my best friend.

I want to be able to trust.

I want to tear down the barriers that keep me from being human.

I want to live, play, love.

I want to be a kid again.

I want to be loved.

I want school to be over.

I want to see my boyfriend but at the same time I don't.

I want to talk to my brother.

I want the voices in my head to stop repeating all the things i do wrong back to me.

I want to run away.

I want my relationships to mean something!

I want to sob into someone's shoulder while they comfort me.

I want to not be messed up.

I want to not bottle up my anger and sadness and depression.

I want someone to care what I think, how my day was, what I'm feeling, what I'm doing.

I want too much.

-W

The Most Personal Survey Ever. NOT!!!

1. Who were you with last night/yesterday?
Travis, Claire, Jay, Erica, Mom, Dad, Scooby

2. What woke you up this morning?
my alarm clock <- ew

3. Where are you?
at my desk

4. Is tomorrow going to be a good day?
I don't think so the rest of the week isn't looking too hot either

5. Did you kiss or hug anyone today?
no wish I had though

6. When was the last time you cried?
Yesterday

7. Ever thrown up in public?
Yeah couple times acctully <- cronic carsickness

8. Passed out because of alcohol?
never

9. Who's on your mind RIGHT NOW?
Travis <- when is he not?

10. Would you take a bullet for anyone?
I wouldn't do it for just anyone.. some of my closest friends, yeah

11. Where would you like to live?
In my house forever!

13. What do you want to be when you grow up?
Ummm... I want to coreograph

14. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
college/job/reletionship?

15. Who is your number one on myspace?
Leia I think

16. Have you kissed your number one?
on the cheek

17. Who was the last person that left you a comment?
don't know?

19. Do you like candy necklaces?
sometimes

20. When was the last time you fell?
... a while ago

21. Do you listen to music every day?
almost everyday

22. What was the last thing you ate?
Honey nut Cheerios

23. Are you a fast typer?
sorta

24. About how many people have you liked?
too many

25. How many have you loved?
maybe one or two

26. What are you doing this weekend?
umm.. chilling with Travis or chilling at my house...yes i know my life is fantabulously exciting

27. Whats your favorite type of soda?
diet coke

29. Have you ever won an award?
no

30. What do you want to do right now?
be in Travis's arms

31. Are you listening to music right now?
yeah Blink-182 - Asthenia

32. Do you like someone right now?
I don't like like is the word for it...

33. next next next:
...

34. How long until your birthday?
8 months

35. When were you the saddest in your whole life?
childhood PMA

36. What time is it RIGHT NOW?
7:22 pm

37. Do you use ebay to buy or sell?
i don't use it...

38. What makes you mad?
Being ignored, being yelled at, having too much to do and not enough time to do it

39. Have you ever had a song written about you?
no

40. What song makes you cry?
Where Ever You Will Go - The Calling

41. What song makes you happy?
Pokemon/ Scooby-Doo II soundtrack <- shut up right now if you're laughing...

42. What do you like to listen to before you go to bed?
what ever is playing?

43. Do you have a job?
yeah i work for my dad

45. If you were a crayon what color would u be?
Green or purple <- fav colors

46. What makes you happy?
Friends, driving, jetskiing, being with my friends, boyfriend, brother

47. Whats the next CD you're gonna get?
Fiona Apple or The Shins or maybe The Used

A word to describe 2007?
good grades ok social life

Favorite color in 2006?
purple

Summer 2006?
Wanted the boy with blue hair got the girl who was shorter than me

Honestly, do you miss 2006?
some but not alot <- being 16 sucks

Hey everyone... long time no write. w/e
I had a really freaky dream last night and i can't seem to figure out what it means. So i may as well tell the world about it right? right..

I have no clue where i was but i remember being outside someplace alone and one of my teeth fell out. So i was like W/e and put it back in because thats what you do when you're teeth fall out right?

So i went somewhere else( i think it was a swimming pool?) and a couple more of my teeth fell out along with a couple of the crowns that put on your teeth but not the teeth the crown were on. All i can remember thinging is that i was gunna have to go back to the dentists office to get them re put on. The teeth that fell out i tried to put back in but it was like they were being pushed back out by some unknown force.

Of course this is when i start freaking out? go figure. up until that i was just like w/e it's no big deal.

Then i woke up. I really have no clue what to think of it and i've been to like every dream dictonary on the internet none of them are right.

Help?

<3 Whit

The Soundtrack of your Life
So, here's how it works:

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player,Ipod, etc).
2. Put it on shuffle.
3. Press play.
4. For every question type the song that's playing.
5. When you go to a new question press the next button.
Ready? GO!

Opening Credits:
Coldplay- Square One

Waking Up:
Brand New- Play Crack The Sky

Falling In Love:
Natasha Bedingfield- The One That Got Away

Fight Scene:
The Calling- We're Forgiven

Breaking Up:
Aiden- Pledge Resistance

Make-up:
Newsies- The World Will Know

Life's Okay:
System Of A Down- A.T.W.A

Mental Breakdown:
Postal Service- We Will Become Silhouettes

Driving:
The Calling- Our Lives

Flashbacks:
OutKast- PJ & Rooster

Happy Dance:
A Thorn For Every Heart- A Night To Remember, A Morning To Forget

Regretting:
Lifehouse- Breathing

Final Battle:
The Calling- Somebody Out There

Death Scene:
Greg Edmonson- Whitefall/Book

End Credits:
NRC- Here Comes The Rain Again

it's been 70 days since i last saw you or talked to you.
I know this because i just counted.
70 fucking days!
you say i'm your best friend, that nothing can tear us apart.
will now you've become the nothing you spoke of.
i know you don't read this, you don't even know about it.
but look at these dates in your journal and maybe you'll be able to piece together how you hurt me so badly.

sept 17
sept 18
oct 08
oct 22

i always thought that maybe if i stayed away long enough you'd call me and be like,
"where have you been I miss you so much!" but i guess that was too much to hope for.
like always it's a one sided friendship and you don't even care enough to pick up a phone.

i guess knowing someone since kindergarten and always at least trying to be there and listen when you needed me wasn't enough for me to be remembered.

i think i deserve more than a message on myspace....

I'm the girl in the conner
the one pushed aside, marred by indifference
I'm the girl who cares for everyone else
and is never cared for
I'm the girl who hugs and adores those around me
but is never huged back
I'm a girl
who is broken

God I'm in pain. MAKE IT GO AWAY!!! make everything go away. I don't want to deal with anything right now.

How is it that one sentance has the power to destroy a person?

I want to die.

So i just found one of my notebooks and i was flipping through it, and i came across this peice of writing i did. So i decided to type it up and post it here cause i thought i was powerful. COMMENTS PLEASE!!!!

I don’t know why but I feel so betrayed.
My world just collapsed onto me and they’re back to joking.
What have I done?
I’m all alone with only my thought to keep me company.
I don’t know where to turn or who to talk to.
Been tring too drown myself out with loud music or a book or something…
Anything…
Nothing…
Why am I the way I am?
Why can’t I be better?
Why can’t I just… just…
Help!
Someone just help me!
Take me out of this hell that is my own mind.
Someone save me.
Tell me this is all just a bad nightmare that’s going to go away.
Tell me my best friend believes in me and that I didn’t hurt him.
Tell me that I’ll be ok and that my mom will start to care about what I say.
That I’m not as alone as I feel.
That the tears I feel like crying are just part of the nightmare.
Tell me that I can change, then help me.
Tell me you love me and will always be there for me
And mean it.
Tell me that you need me,
Want me,
Trust me,
And care for me.
Tell me all of this, not because I wrote this,
But because you mean it from the bottom of your heart.
Because you love me like a friend and not a family member,
Because family means nothing.
Tell me that the tears I’ve cried aren’t for nothing.
Tell me my best friends don’t hate me.
That I’m still in first grade when things weren’t complicated.
Tell me you love me.

Yesterday was amazing.

You know I could just say that leave however happens to read this to be like “Why did she type that??!?! She can’t just stop like that!” But I don’t think I’ll be that evil today. ^.^ Lucky bunch, all of you are.


So I went to Boston yesterday with my bff LJ to see one of my best friends from camp, Charlie, and as a side trip we went to see Bela Fleck and te Flecktones in concert. I was sooo excited.

On the way there me and LJ were talking at about 1000 words per second. We thought we were going to be late to meet him, like 30 minutes late, but we ended up being only 15 minutes late. That was due to some awesome driving maneuvers on my mom’s part.

So LJ and I get out of the car and start walking away from the car and we get to the crosswalk and notice my moms not behind us like we thought she was. So we turn around and notice she’s walking back towards the car. So I start going, “LJ… why is my mom going that way? Should we keep going? I want to keep going… Will we get in trouble if we keep going? I want to see Charlie, lets just go. But my mom might get mad.” I was a total wreck. It was really funny.

So we ended up waiting, though it just about killed me. Now LJ and I are walking arm and arm and she babbling about the cobblestones in a funky boredish English accent and I’m laughing so hard while watching for the tell tale wavy brown hair.

Suddenly I spot Charlie and I’m dislodged from Lj and running towards him in about 2.5 seconds. Of course he notices that a girl is running towards him so he stands up after a short struggle with his backpack and I basically leap into his arm and in the air for like a half-minute. It was weird though cause usually I don’t like being picked up cause it makes me self-conscious, but I really didn’t mind when he did it. Might have been because I didn’t have time to think about it… *shrugs*

After the happy reunion and introductions we headed over to a random restaurant and had dinner. The food was sooo good! And the place had nice bathrooms! LJ and Charlie were instant friends so there were no awkward moments. That made me so happy! Then while my mom stayed behind to pay the bill we went outside to the party and played Frisbee with and Explo Frisbee Charlie just happened to have. All these dogs were watching us. Oh and I found out the streets like Frisbees but Frisbees don’t like streets.

My mom came and we walked to the concert with LJ back on her cobblestones talk. Then there was the concert. I’d rather keep all the sexual innuendos to myself so I’m not going to tell you people what happened at the concert. All I’m saying is I’m a love child of a ninja and a pirate, which make me a pinja. ^.^

The band I went to see was amazing, as I knew they would be, and I had loads of fun. Naturally it was extremely hard for me to see Charlie leave, but LJ slept over my house so I had fun. We’re totally planning on seeing him again in the near future.

<3 Whit

Ok so I was sitting in the bathroom getting ready to change the bandages on my feet when I remembered I didn’t have a towel, which I did need. So as I got up to get it I lost my balance banged my foot into the stool I had been sitting on, re opening my worst wound from my surgery. It hurt sooo freaking much.. I’m still crying.

I’m sooo sick of this! I can’t walk. I can’t dance. I have absolutely no balance, which is causing me to walk into inanimate objects such as doorframes and chairs. I hate it. I’m usually extremely skilled on my feet.

I guess I have figured out my personal tourture…

(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)

✓ I miss somebody right now.	✓ I don't watch much TV these days.	✓ I own lots of books.
× I wear glasses or contact lenses.	✓ I love to play video games.	× I've tried marijuana.
× I've watched porn movies.	× I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.	× I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
✓ I curse sometimes.	✓ I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.	× I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.

( it goes on... )

Yet again it's been a while since I updated. I pretty much only use this journal when I need to get stuff out. This doesn't seem to be too often.

Anyways, I'm now recovering from a foot surgery I had a week ago. Hurts like hell to walk. I got to have anesthesia and my parents said I sounded like I was on some type of drug when I woke up. It felt really weird and I was totally out of it. It was fun. I had to get an IV as well though. I can't even explain how much that scared me. I'm terrified of needles so that was basically my worst nightmare come to life. I was ok once it was done but my blood kept back flowing into the IV tube and it scared me. All in all I have to say I never want to have surgery ever again... >.>

Mat has been over a few times since I came back from explo. At first it was kind of awkward then we fell back into our usual routine of teasing each other mercilessly. It’s really fun for me cause I know all his sweet spots and he doesn’t know any of mine. You'd think that after about 8 moths of dating he'd have figured them out, not like he really tried... oh well. His loss.

Explo was fabulous, btw. I had an amazing time as always. I also ended up making a lot of new friends. As a kind of thank you to all the new friends I wrote then notes at the end of the session that they were instructed very firmly not to open until they were on their way home. (Don't know how many actually followed the rule..Lol)

There was also a very short span of a girlfriend there. Her name was jess. Wish things had gone better with her cause she was really nice. She barely paid any attention to me and would only kiss me after about three days so we broke up. (Charlie says she's straight and I think he's right) Well Yay for first girlfriend right?

The courses sort of sucked again, but it's not like I go there for them. I go to explo for the friends and the chance to get out of my house and away from my parents. I might not go back next year thou. I'm having a really big inward struggle over it right now. I want to be with bati and the friends that will be back next year but I’ve also been going for five years and the program is starting to get boring. I know the only place I’ll be able to see these people is at explo but I don't know if I can stand another sucky dance class there.

In other news, I'm now in driver's ed. Watch out! Whitney is now driving! And she's not that bad. ^.^ I have a jeep and everything. His name is Scooby and everything. He loves me! It's really funny when my mom's in the car with me though cause she thinks thees a break on her side too an she's always pushing it. It's hilarious to watch.

Oh! I'm going to the Bela Fleck and The Flecktones concert with Charlie, Leia (best friend), Mom, Claire (cousin), and myself. It's going to be a blast. I'm totally psyched! I can't wait to see Charlie and Claire again too! Claire I haven't seen in like months and I'm just dying to see someone from explo. The fact that it happens to be one of my good friends is just a bonus! ^.^ SOOO excited!

Lets see... Is there anything else I need to say?

Hummm....

Nope!

Bye~ <3 Whit

Hey again… ok so I was just thinking about stuff and I think I feel a rant or 2 coming on so bear with me.

Ok so I loved this guy. His name is Mat, he’s 16 and we went out for like 6 + months. So a few days ago I found out that he fucked one of my best friends whose only 14. Not while going out with me thou. I’m still sorta like repeating the words ‘what the fuck’ over and over in my head trying to make sense of it all. I mean they’re not going out nor do they plan to. I also never had sex with him so that adds insult to injury I guess. I really don’t know how to handle it! Also, yesterday she aims me and says “How do you get him to slow down?” Now even I don’t know that answer because the reason I broke up with him in the first place was our relationship had basically turned purely physical and he was starting to creep me out. How am I supposed to handle this? I’m so freaking confused… I’m happy of her on one hand because she’s liked him for sooo long. But on the other hand I’m not sure weather or not he’s using her. I mean the first time they ever did anything they ended up having sex. … w/e for now

Rant 2:

I have a friend named Arpan. Yes, that’s his actual name. He’s constantly making fun of me. He says he’s my friend but I really don’t know weather or not to believe him. He’s always sarcastic too so you can never tell if he’s being serious! So he tells my friends that he never means to hurt me and he’s just testing me to see how much of his shit I can take. Well guess what. I can’t take any of his shit because he’s supposed to be my friend. Friends don’t call friends WHORES! He has no regard for anyone elses feelings and if someone does become upset by him he makes that person feel inferior by being all like yeah it’s just like you to be mad about that. Or that’s so stupid you shouldn’t be mad about that! Sometimes I just want to slap him! And scream in his face your not helping yourself! *sigh* yet again another w/e for now. He’s graduating soon anyways so what should I care.


Ok on to regular shit time.

So My day was pretty boring all around. I didn’t really go out of the dorm except for dinner. No I didn’t eat lunch or breakfast. I wasn’t that hungry anyways. Plus I had cheerios. ^.^ I <3 cheerios! I had to defend them from a certain person attached to my leg thou… -.-‘ oh and I got to speak to that same person. That was super cool though he just happened to call me when my friend Sam came back which sucked cause I was super distracted. (when am I not thou… really hope I get the add meds soon…) anyways I listened to emery again and am now listening to Chiodos which is surprisingly good. Didn’t think I was gunna like it. *shrugs* I’m totally taking up studying time right now by doing this and I’m not getting caught * knocks on wood* well I’m done

<3 whit

Ok Sooo it's 3 in the morning and im rping with danny. Which is turing out surrpisingly good for me being so out of it.

Anyways... I went to the mall alone today. It was... an experince. I felt sorta lonely but at the same time really deep or some shit like that. I kept thinking up like song lyrics and prose beginnings. of corse listening to the Emery cd the entire time at least 4 times over.
w/e
Welll...... I've been sorta dying to somehow share this poem i worte so i guess i'll post it here.

Past is Past

Seconds run into minutes
Hours, days, months, years
Time keeps passing
Silently, swiftly
We’re a running timer
Always one more second
Towards our demise
Use time wisely
Live your life
‘Cause it’s temporary
You might not get a second chance
Help that person
Write that book
Age is limited
Believe with your whole self
Run with all your strength
Scream as loud as you can
Just to see how far away
You can be heard
Be positive
Nothing comes of negativity
Feel all your emotions
No matter how painful
Because every second spent
Doing something
Is a second well used
And that second will never come again
It will only be a memory
But maybe that memory will last
And that second
Could be the difference between
True joy
Or a façade of what could’ve been
Be present
The past is the past
Live for the future

<3 whit

My life has been turned completely upside down! I now got to a boarding school and have a Taiwanese roommate (her names I-wen but everyone calls her Wendy... Whitney and Wendy's room.....he he...) anyway's so most of my friends don't know about this journal which is cool.

Lets see currently in my life (list are just easier):
Trying to do all my homework but failing miserably
Having No love life what so ever
I'm going to a concert of the band Fall For Scarlette
Helping my friend get over her other friend cause she's nothing but trouble....
Figuring out my stupid scanner.... -.-'
Midterms! EKKKKK
Trying to be normal
Ohhh!!! I have a therapist!
I think thats it....

Oh and I did the day of silence it was sooo hard. I didn't talk from the moment I got up till the morning after. I'm definitely doing it again next year!

well that all for now ttfn!